Why Can't I Make Bread

Just returned from a mothers' meeting for the homeschool group.  We were talking to two new members about starting homeschooling and with a few who were wondering about getting things going in the right direction.  It was worth the trip out, hiring the sitter, wondering how Drew was doing with going to bed, walking with a fussy baby during the meeting, realizing I MUST stop for gas and missing the turn for the station, the turn onto the highway after the gas station and so on.
After thanking and paying the sitter I found myself wandering around the kitchen thinking that there must be something I should be doing.  My mother would say, "Go to bed!"  I am a night owl.  I can't just go to bed!  We are out of cocoa.  How does this happen??  I told my husband last night (out of cocoa realization night) that since we're out I am going to stop having a cup every night before bed (usually IN bed).  I need to drop a few more pounds so more of my clothes fit!  The joys of postpartum!  So instead of brewing up a high calorie drink I read another entry in A Family Journal by Rita Munn. She talks about making bread for her family.  It made me cry.  This is a silly thing to cry about.  I could make bread for my family.  It pretty much embodies everything I want to create in my family home for my husband and children.  I LOVE the smell of bread baking.  Can't wait to slice warm bread and watch a thick pat of butter melt on it.  Someday I might master this art of bread making is something I have thought of often.  But then I have a child with a wheat allergy.  He has been a challenge in so many ways and this is the one that makes things difficult for the other kids as well and keeps me on my toes on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong here.  I didn't bake the bread for my family prior to having this child.  Okay, so he happens to be the fourth kid and I have had plenty of opportunities prior to his arrival.  Let's not get bogged down in the details!!
I have a recipe for GF (gluten free) bread from a friend who bakes her family's bread.  My kids LOVE her bread.  They have asked me to make her bread.  It requires things like tapioca starch.  And xanthan gum.  These are not items I have in my pantry under other circumstances nor are they in the grocery store I frequent.  So big deal you say.  Find them on line.  Find them at another store.  Yes, yes, I say.  I hear you telling me to stop whining and just get the job done already.
I think I am being passive aggressive with this whole bread making thing.  This child doesn't really speak.  Or didn't until the last couple of weeks.  Still not great but better.  So back to the non speaking days.  His father is gone for five weeks.  He has a little brother born one month prior to his father leaving on this trip.  He comes unglued. He doesn't sleep.  He screams all day long.  He is cutting four molars and two eye teeth at once.  He and the rest of the family all get swine flu in the same week.  It's Halloween and there are weird people walking around the neighborhood and his siblings are dressed in strange clothing.  You can see how this would make things a challenge for a small child to be reasonable. It might also be easy to see how his mother might not want to deal with him.  Ever.
So I should go on line and search for these ingredients and make special trips to some out of the way grocery shop for things I will never use in any other capacity in order to make bread for this child who will, most likely, throw it on the floor, place it in his cup or smash it into 1,000,000 pieces?  No.  Thank you but no.
He started getting better.  Daddy came home.  His anchor returned.  He started sleeping a little better at night.  With more sleep came less screaming.  He wasn't sick anymore.  His molars are all in.  He started talking and signing more so now we know what he wants.  He said, "MA!"  To me. More than once.  He said it to Daddy when I was gone and had to have my picture to look at until I returned.  He gave me a sweet kiss when I returned home.  And said, "MA!" again.  I never thought I would care about my kid calling me Ma as much as I find myself caring now.  His total focus on his Daddy made me non existent.  Not that he could endure being away from me.  But he never called me by name or wanted to kiss me or ever pointed to a picture of me.  All these things he did with Daddy so I knew that he understood.  He just didn't apply it to me.  Until now.
So now I think I am just dragging my heels (pun intended) about this bread thing.
I think I am just not wanting to venture into something new.  But God has something new for us all the time.  Drew is my challenge because it is always something new with him.  He makes me learn all the time.  He keeps me ON all the time.  He is never going to let me be in my comfort zone.  So I better get cracking on the bread.  There will be other things to learn and I can't be on the ingredient list while he's moved on to another task I have to master.
Thank you God for my son, Andrew.  He keeps me focused on Your will, not my will.  Your plan, not mine.  Your bread, not mine.